“Here’s our Marcus with a quick reminder.”
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1. Dermot O'Leary would be the public favourite for presenter.
2. The actual presenter would be Caroline Flack.
3. Or Kelly Brook.
4. So we're already off to a great start.
5. The theme tune would be a house remix of the original.
6. The voiceover guy would now be Marcus Bentley.
7. You know, the Big Brother guy.
8. That's right, he has a name.
9. Caroline would give us a rundown of the blind dates from their Tinder profiles.
10. The first would be Luke.
11. He'd be wearing skinny jeans that look like leggings.
12. He'd also have just come back from a holiday in Magaluf.
13. So basically he'd be a wanker with a quiff.
14. Second up would be a bearded hipster called Jordan.
15. The type who lives in Shoreditch and hasn't had a bath in three weeks.
16. Too mainstream.
17. The last would be Tommy, who says he works in PR.
18. He's actually just a club promoter with ideas above his station.
19. Then we'd get to meet the "lucky" girl.
20. She'd probably be called Jessica or Lauren.
21. With Louise for a middle name.
22. She'd be from Essex.
23. The first question Jessica would ask would be something whimsical and laidback.
24. "If I don't take a selfie every night before I sleep, it gives me anxiety. What is one essential you need for a good night's sleep? That's to number one."
25. Number one would say, "An extra cheeky Nando's."
26. Bellend.
27. Number two would be like, "As long as I have my topknot, I don't need anything but you."
28. Somebody send him home.
29. Number three would be all, "I need a three-metre-long iPhone charger because the plug socket's too far away from my bed."
30. Fair point.
31. Jessica's next question would be just as serious.
32. "I'm a ~huge~ fan of Instagram. What was the last thing you uploaded?"
33. Luke would have uploaded a bottle of Grey Goose.
34. That wasn't even his.
35. Jordan would've uploaded a selfie in a vintage shirt.
36. Because ~alternative~.
37. Tommy would've uploaded a picture of his fake Rolex.
38. What a testicle.
39. And the final question would be something great.
40. Something memorable.
41. Something to really weed out the bad seeds and expose a future husband.
42. "How many followers do you have on Twitter?"
43. It's 2015, that shit's important.
44. Luke only has 216.
45. Because who the fuck needs to hear about the freebies he has on his Nando's card?
46. If it's not a black card, we don't care.
47. Jordan would have 23k.
48. But let's be fair, he probably paid for half of them.
49. And Tommy?
50. He'd have a couple of thousand and a bio that reads, "Taylor Swift favourited my tweet 08/11/13."
51. Something you want to tell us there, Tommy?
52. Jessica would hate every single one of them.
53. But would probably pick number two because he sounds so ~elusive~.
54. When number two was revealed, Jessica would realise they'd already matched on Tinder.
55. Of course.
56. Instead of picking a date from an envelope, Jessica would have to click a random generator on an iPad.
57. The date would be a trip to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Florida.
58. Which Jordan would absolutely hate.
59. Too fucking mainstream.
60 At some point, there would be gays on the show.
61. You know, just to prove that it's 2015 and we're ~OK~ with the homosexuals.
62. There'd be a spin-off show.
63. It would be called something like Blind Date: After Dark.
64. Or When the Lights Go Out.
65. Basically we'd get to know if they banged or not.
66. It would be presented by Mark Wright, obviously.
67. And at Christmas, there'd be a celebrity special.
68. The celebrity would probably be Charlotte, from Geordie Shore.
69. But there's one thing we can be sure of.
70. It would never be better than the original.
71. And nobody could ever replace our Cilla.
